Monday, March 5, 2007

100 Ways to be a Better Asshole

100 Ways to be a Better Asshole
by Sinister Fiend
Peace out!

1. Argue with everybody.
2. Touch the paintings at the museum.
3. Get hysterical.
4. Threaten law suits.
5. Insinuate, implicate and insist.
6. If you got it, flaunt it.
7. Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it.
8. Gamble with the rent money.
9. Record over a borrowed vcr tape
10. Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't.
11. Don't get caught.
12. Stay directly in front or behine fire trucks and ambulances.
13. When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
14. Don't make up your mind.
15. Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
16. Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
17. Talk with your mouth full.
18. Accuse, confuse and refuse.
19. Comment on the weight gain of others.
20. Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want.
21. Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
22. Answer a question with a question.
23. See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
24. Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
25. Add the straw that breaks the camels back.
26. Clean your finger nails at the dinner table.
27. Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
28. Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
29. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
30. Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
31. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
32. Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
33. Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
34. Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
35. Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
36. Dont shower after a hard workout.
37. Lie about your age.
38. Change channels every two seconds
39. Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a
40. Underline in other peoples books.
41. Slurp your soup.
42. If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty.
43. Be judgmental.
44. Announce when your going to the bathroom.
45. Read over peoples shoulders on the bus.
46. Ignore deadlines.
47. Revenge is sweet... so get some.
48. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off.
49. Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
50. When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you.
51. Take the labels off of unopened cans.
52. Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
53. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
54. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
55. When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
56. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
57. Bribe little kids... cause they're easy!
58. Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine.
59. Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
60. Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue.
61. Leave your underwear in the sink.
62. Chew other peoples pencils.
63. Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
64. Get a backseat drivers license.
65. Dish it out, but don't take it.
66. Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
67. Apologize a lot, but don't change.
68. Change the rules to suit your needs.
69. Put your cigarette out in planters.
70. Wear a shirt thats says 'Fuck You' or to that affect.
71. Pull the covers over to your side.
72. Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
73. Let doors slam behind you ? in people's faces.
74. Repeat yourself.
75. Repeat yourself.
76. Tell your kids 'How it was..' back when you were a kid.
77. Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
78. Scribble your signature on important documents.
79. Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
80. Put things back where they don't belong.
81. Take a colicky baby to the movies.
82. Have belching contests in restaurants.
83. Make the same mistake twice.
84. Pee in the swimming pool.
85. Ride on the shoulder un you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
86. Wear a large hat to the movies.
87. Always have an ulterior motive.
88. Always take the biggest piece.
89. Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
90. Take cheap shots.
91. Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
92. Cause gridlock.
93. Get up on the wrong side of bed.
94. Change your mind.
95. Glue a chip on your shoulder.
96. Put salt in sugar containers.
97. Blow out other peoples birthday candles.
98. Don't refill the ice cube tray.
99. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
100. Cut off people in the middle of their sentences.
101. Practice pulling the wool over people's faces.

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